160612 ♥

During this few weeks of holidays, I kept asking myself, what I really want and need in life.. Dad also talked to me about his expectations from me. Then I was like, STRESS. He wants me to do well in studies, do well in dizi, have good character, good manners, good behaviour and also don't want me to be in a r/s at this age. Well, among all the expectations, I didn't do anything that was right. I feel like a loser. And I was like thinking, maybe I should really stop this nonsense of mine, study hard, let those nonsensical feelings be deep in my heart and move on with life. Maybe at this age, what's more important is my studies, not feelings and bgr. But will I be happy like this?

I really don't know. My results sucks. My position is 36/41. Aiming for a 25/41 for year end, maybe? I can't focus every time I'm studying. I will keep thinking about him and him. Then yesterday I kept thinking about what ruiyao, yu yi, lin na, michelle and peiqin said, during truth or dare. They said: will you accept a guy that you actually think that he's a good friend of yours, someone you can pour your feelings out to, but he say he like you or love you. And immediately I think of him, and know what? I figure every thing out. It's a relationship that went wrong from the start, he's just a very very good friend of mine, and I thought I had feelings for him? Maybe. And I hate myself for that, hurting him? No matter what I do, also cannot 'erase' away the pain and all that, isn't it? Every time my friends say about hating the guy that dumped her, they will call him a bastard, then I'll think like, if he dump her, he's a bastard, then I dump him, I'm a bitch. Isn't it? 

Why is like, every thing I do is wrong and will hurt people? I'm like starting to hate myself more and more. 

They say, in order to have people to love you, you need to know how to love yourself. Well, perhaps I don't love myself, that's why people don't love me? 

I hope from now on, people won't be very 'nice' to me, they 'nice' to me or what, I will easily 感动 so in order not to fall for people easily, I hope they won't be so 'nice' to me.