Hi.
Today --> Last day of school.
How do I feel? Well, months and weeks ago, I am wishing and hoping today to come quickly, to part with 2E2'12. But somehow, I felt that I lost something... And its weird how I don't really have much sweet memories with the people in 2E2, instead having sour and bitter memories but today, yeah.. today I felt that I missed everything.
Will I regret? Perhaps, I will. I will miss everything, I will miss every bit of memory we had together as a class though I don't really like some people. I MISSED OUT EVERYTHING. WHY? Am I going to regret not cherishing them? I didn't push them away. They pushed me away. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL.
Got into 3E4, much expected? I might be in 3E3 if I put pure science as one of my choice. Then quarrelled with mum. FAILED LIT. WHY AM I SO USELESS. SO STUPID. Then just now I told pq and myap my score for lit, and pq said: told you to study already, still fail! [or something like that]. Those words hit me hard. We planned to go for Pepperlunch but then I didn't want to go because I don't have any mood for food and I was hoping to go home asap so that I can rant and I can cry LOL? I was holding back my tears for such a long time because I can't possibly cry on the train LOL.
Reached home and I didn't cool down and I just poured everything out. I told mum how everybody laughs at me and not having any true friends. Then quarrelled with mum and I cried and ran back into my room and locked the door and cried non stop. I came out after I sorted all my thoughts. I feel like a failure in all aspects. REALLY. I AIN'T GOOD IN STUDYING, AIN'T GOOD IN MY MUSIC, AIN'T GOOD IN MY ATTITUDE. WHAT AM I GOOD IN? NOTHING. :) I'M JUST WASTING RESOURCES, MONEY AND TIME. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD IN SOMETHING? I FEEL SO FUCKING FUCKED UP AND USELESS.
AM I GOING TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF? AM I GOING TO GIVE UP ON MY LIFE?
THIS FEELING SUCKS. WHY CAN'T I FEEL GOOD BEING ME. WHY DO I SUCK SO MUCH. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH NOW AND HAVE TO ACT THAT I LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
WHO WOULD CARE WHEN I DIE? WHO WOULD TEAR FOR ME WHEN I DIE? WHEN WILL I MEAN SOMETHING TO SOMEONE? WHEN WILL SOMEBODY THINKS THAT I'M SPECIAL?
THOSE PEOPLE THAT JUDGE ME: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH THEN KINDLY STFU BECAUSE YOU HAVE TRUE FRIENDS, WHAT ABOUT ME? I AM ALL ALONE. AND YOU SHOULD EFF YOURSELF IF YOU BELIEVE THAT I'M HAPPY BEING ALONE. OH AND I WASN'T BORN TO PLEASE YOU. :) wanna judge? Look at yourself? Are you that perfect to comment about my flaws? :)
DON'T FOOL ME, I KNOW NO ONE LIKES BEING AROUND ME, I AIN'T THOSE FUN PEOPLE TO BE WITH. I TEND TO BUILD WARS SO YOU CAN'T COME NEAR ME, I ONLY REMOVE THE WALLS WHEN WE ARE CLOSE. SO SICK TO BE ME.
THOSE PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT SAID THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE ME, ALL LEFT. WELL, NOT ALL, BUT SOON TO BE ALL? SOCIETY IS WAY TOO FUCKED UP. OR AM I THE ONE? HAHAHA. IF YOU ALL WANT TO LEAVE, LEAVE ALL AT ONCE AND MAKE SURE YOU DON'T RETURN THANKS. I SHOULD NOT HAVE COME TO THIS SCHOOL.
IS IT ME ? OR ? WHY DO I FEEL SO NUMB AND NO DIRECTION. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT IN LIFE? I kept asking myself that question. But seems that I've no answer. OH YA. WHO AM I TO FEEL THIS WAY? I'M JUST A NOBODY. :)
HOPEFULLY I WOULD HAVE MORE FRIENDS NEXT YEAR. :)
好寂寞，但我什么也不能做。
到了最后，我什么也不是。
对不起，让家人伤心失望了。
我根本不属于这个家，不值得你们为我的付出。
对不起，我没用。
爸爸妈妈，我很对不起你们。
你们为我付出了呢么多，我却让你们失望了。
我真没用，什么事也做不好。
不能和其他人比，我什么也做不好。
我累了。厌倦了这样的生活。
好累好累了。不要再逼我好吗？
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Sunday, 21 October 2012
211012 ❤
Heyy. Guess it might be a lengthy post tonight? Hmm.
Firstly, something happened to YY and I know she is sad. When my friends got dumped, I tell them that it's his fault not hers but this time round I just stood there and listened to what YY is saying. Yea I just stood there and listen. My mind was blankk. All words that I used to cheer up my friends, I can't seem to speak them. And I hope she gets better. Read her blog and it made me felt sad too. Cheer up YY. No one wants to see you being like this!
Next, I told myself I should give up on r/s because I have friendship. And somehow, after giving up, I lost friendship, I lost EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Isn't it? :) I feel all alone at times and stay away from twitter where I see most people talking, most people tweeting bout their friends and clique. I automatically ask where's my? It's hard, life's hard for me now. But I didn't give up. Because I think about how hard life is for people with illnesses, thinking bout it, I feel like I'm much better. I have a better life. Seeing those poor children still being strong and positive, I feel like a fucking loser. A loser who only knows how to run away from my problems, a coward that does not face my problems. I don't really feel sad. The feeling is numb. I don't feel a thing. At all. Well perhaps that's much of a lie? :)
Thanks to you people I learn A LOT. I complained a lot about getting into all this shit. But this is life. Who didn't fall that hard before? Losing everything. I don't know what's left in me. Tell me. What.
只是我一个人
一个人不可能
不可能有多快乐我承认
Then when I thought I was okay I was happy. Something hit me hard. Real hard. So hard It's like something hitting my heart, hitting my head, knocking me to sense. What am I feeling?
I didn't really go look at his twitter anymore till that day when my itchy hand went to press on his twitter an I saw his tweet. The hash tag that says mention someone you're afraid of losing, and I saw him tagged her. I stared at it. Real hard. Then dumped my phone aside. A few hours later, I returned to that tweet. And stare at it again. Real long. And when I wanted to press the home button, my fingers went to screenshot it. And I went to crop the photo. It really did hit me real hard on the head. I don't feel depress I don't feel sad. It's just a feeling of aching and tiredness.
It's almost bout a year. Close to a year. I tried to get your attention, but you didn't notice me, that's because all you see is her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just when will something good happen to me? I'm like trying to find any single thing to do to occupy my mind just so that I don't have time to think bout you. I have nothing now. NOTHING. And I'm nothing.
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>
ＮＯＴＨＩＮＧ. Then what exactly am I. In the eyes of my family I'm just plain stupid. I tried to hold my tears back I tried to control my anger so I don't shout at you. But grandma, do you even how I feel. It just sucks. Being compared to someone younger than me, asking me to learn from her and calling me stupid. That's why I detest family gatherings. I hate it. HATE. HATE HATE HATE. YES HATE IS GETTING INTO ME.
Fuck all this shit I need a break.
Firstly, something happened to YY and I know she is sad. When my friends got dumped, I tell them that it's his fault not hers but this time round I just stood there and listened to what YY is saying. Yea I just stood there and listen. My mind was blankk. All words that I used to cheer up my friends, I can't seem to speak them. And I hope she gets better. Read her blog and it made me felt sad too. Cheer up YY. No one wants to see you being like this!
Next, I told myself I should give up on r/s because I have friendship. And somehow, after giving up, I lost friendship, I lost EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Isn't it? :) I feel all alone at times and stay away from twitter where I see most people talking, most people tweeting bout their friends and clique. I automatically ask where's my? It's hard, life's hard for me now. But I didn't give up. Because I think about how hard life is for people with illnesses, thinking bout it, I feel like I'm much better. I have a better life. Seeing those poor children still being strong and positive, I feel like a fucking loser. A loser who only knows how to run away from my problems, a coward that does not face my problems. I don't really feel sad. The feeling is numb. I don't feel a thing. At all. Well perhaps that's much of a lie? :)
Thanks to you people I learn A LOT. I complained a lot about getting into all this shit. But this is life. Who didn't fall that hard before? Losing everything. I don't know what's left in me. Tell me. What.
只是我一个人
一个人不可能
不可能有多快乐我承认
Then when I thought I was okay I was happy. Something hit me hard. Real hard. So hard It's like something hitting my heart, hitting my head, knocking me to sense. What am I feeling?
I didn't really go look at his twitter anymore till that day when my itchy hand went to press on his twitter an I saw his tweet. The hash tag that says mention someone you're afraid of losing, and I saw him tagged her. I stared at it. Real hard. Then dumped my phone aside. A few hours later, I returned to that tweet. And stare at it again. Real long. And when I wanted to press the home button, my fingers went to screenshot it. And I went to crop the photo. It really did hit me real hard on the head. I don't feel depress I don't feel sad. It's just a feeling of aching and tiredness.
It's almost bout a year. Close to a year. I tried to get your attention, but you didn't notice me, that's because all you see is her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just when will something good happen to me? I'm like trying to find any single thing to do to occupy my mind just so that I don't have time to think bout you. I have nothing now. NOTHING. And I'm nothing.
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>
ＮＯＴＨＩＮＧ. Then what exactly am I. In the eyes of my family I'm just plain stupid. I tried to hold my tears back I tried to control my anger so I don't shout at you. But grandma, do you even how I feel. It just sucks. Being compared to someone younger than me, asking me to learn from her and calling me stupid. That's why I detest family gatherings. I hate it. HATE. HATE HATE HATE. YES HATE IS GETTING INTO ME.
Fuck all this shit I need a break.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
161011 ❤
Hey.
11.18 good results and stay happy always? Well, life wasn't that smooth this days. I became alone. And I felt lonely. She left me she ditched me. I went to others. She got people's attention and sympathy. They stand up for her. They help her they befriend her. What about me? I'm all alone. Even the friends I be with are looking down on me they ignore me. Often neglected too but can't blame them. So this morning, went down to assembly with Tasha. She sat in front as she's the monitor. So I sat alone. Celine sat behind me and asked me she don't want you already? She go find others? I was speechless. What am I going to say. I kept asking myself. Then Celine told me to join them. I smiled and mixed with them. Pretty nice and happy? Maybe.
Really before Celine came to ask me to join them, I felt extremely lonely. I was afraid. The feeling of emptiness. How am I to face people. I don't know. Then I thought, tasha was lonely before but she was strong enough. But now she's not alone, even if she don't have friends she still have her bf. which I don't have. LOL.
Stop all this torture. You people don't know how it feels to me. I held back my tears every time I feel lonely. I cry while bathing so my family wouldn't know. I promised Peiqin not to be sad. Stay happy and be strong. I'm sorry but I didn't do it. I just ain't that strong. I thought I was but.. I ain't strong.
Recently, Myap and I went closer together..? And then Peiqin distant a little from us. Yes she have her friends. And what about me ? I have nothing.
Holidays nearing. Which means I wouldn't be in this class, this class with the same faces. Officially two years with them. Sweet and sour memories. I don't know if I would be sad when we all go to different classes. I tell people I wouldn't be sad. Because nothing's holding me back. I seems like I hardened my heart from feeling sad. I don't know. I'm just physically and mentally tired. Tired of being tired I would say.
Alright, ending this post with my SA2 results that I know:
Maths : A1 (79) I would have gotten 87 to 90 if not for my careless mistakes. Sucks. 😟
History : MCQ & Mapwork = 17/20
Source based essay = 12/30 SBQ nt yet known.
English: free writing: 19/30 Mdm low praised me in class LOL. LC = 19/30 editing: 4/10 sucks 😔 oral = 19/20 sigh all 19 !!
11.18 good results and stay happy always? Well, life wasn't that smooth this days. I became alone. And I felt lonely. She left me she ditched me. I went to others. She got people's attention and sympathy. They stand up for her. They help her they befriend her. What about me? I'm all alone. Even the friends I be with are looking down on me they ignore me. Often neglected too but can't blame them. So this morning, went down to assembly with Tasha. She sat in front as she's the monitor. So I sat alone. Celine sat behind me and asked me she don't want you already? She go find others? I was speechless. What am I going to say. I kept asking myself. Then Celine told me to join them. I smiled and mixed with them. Pretty nice and happy? Maybe.
Really before Celine came to ask me to join them, I felt extremely lonely. I was afraid. The feeling of emptiness. How am I to face people. I don't know. Then I thought, tasha was lonely before but she was strong enough. But now she's not alone, even if she don't have friends she still have her bf. which I don't have. LOL.
Stop all this torture. You people don't know how it feels to me. I held back my tears every time I feel lonely. I cry while bathing so my family wouldn't know. I promised Peiqin not to be sad. Stay happy and be strong. I'm sorry but I didn't do it. I just ain't that strong. I thought I was but.. I ain't strong.
Recently, Myap and I went closer together..? And then Peiqin distant a little from us. Yes she have her friends. And what about me ? I have nothing.
Holidays nearing. Which means I wouldn't be in this class, this class with the same faces. Officially two years with them. Sweet and sour memories. I don't know if I would be sad when we all go to different classes. I tell people I wouldn't be sad. Because nothing's holding me back. I seems like I hardened my heart from feeling sad. I don't know. I'm just physically and mentally tired. Tired of being tired I would say.
Alright, ending this post with my SA2 results that I know:
Maths : A1 (79) I would have gotten 87 to 90 if not for my careless mistakes. Sucks. 😟
History : MCQ & Mapwork = 17/20
Source based essay = 12/30 SBQ nt yet known.
English: free writing: 19/30 Mdm low praised me in class LOL. LC = 19/30 editing: 4/10 sucks 😔 oral = 19/20 sigh all 19 !!
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