251012 ♥

Hi. 
Today --> Last day of school. 
How do I feel? Well, months and weeks ago, I am wishing and hoping today to come quickly, to part with 2E2'12. But somehow, I felt that I lost something... And its weird how I don't really have much sweet memories with the people in 2E2, instead having sour and bitter memories but today, yeah.. today I felt that I missed everything. 
Will I regret? Perhaps, I will. I will miss everything, I will miss every bit of memory we had together as a class though I don't really like some people. I MISSED OUT EVERYTHING. WHY? Am I going to regret not cherishing them? I didn't push them away. They pushed me away. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. 

Got into 3E4, much expected? I might be in 3E3 if I put pure science as one of my choice. Then quarrelled with mum. FAILED LIT. WHY AM I SO USELESS. SO STUPID. Then just now I told pq and myap my score for lit, and pq said: told you to study already, still fail! [or something like that]. Those words hit me hard. We planned to go for Pepperlunch but then I didn't want to go because I don't have any mood for food and I was hoping to go home asap so that I can rant and I can cry LOL? I was holding back my tears for such a long time because I can't possibly cry on the train LOL. 

Reached home and I didn't cool down and I just poured everything out. I told mum how everybody laughs at me and not having any true friends. Then quarrelled with mum and I cried and ran back into my room and locked the door and cried non stop. I came out after I sorted all my thoughts. I feel like a failure in all aspects. REALLY. I AIN'T GOOD IN STUDYING, AIN'T GOOD IN MY MUSIC, AIN'T GOOD IN MY ATTITUDE. WHAT AM I GOOD IN? NOTHING. :) I'M JUST WASTING RESOURCES, MONEY AND TIME. WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD IN SOMETHING? I FEEL SO FUCKING FUCKED UP AND USELESS. 

AM I GOING TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF? AM I GOING TO GIVE UP ON MY LIFE?
THIS FEELING SUCKS. WHY CAN'T I FEEL GOOD BEING ME. WHY DO I SUCK SO MUCH. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH NOW AND HAVE TO ACT THAT I LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.  

WHO WOULD CARE WHEN I DIE? WHO WOULD TEAR FOR ME WHEN I DIE? WHEN WILL I MEAN SOMETHING TO SOMEONE? WHEN WILL SOMEBODY THINKS THAT I'M SPECIAL? 

THOSE PEOPLE THAT JUDGE ME: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH THEN KINDLY STFU BECAUSE YOU HAVE TRUE FRIENDS, WHAT ABOUT ME? I AM ALL ALONE. AND YOU SHOULD EFF YOURSELF IF YOU BELIEVE THAT I'M HAPPY BEING ALONE. OH AND I WASN'T BORN TO PLEASE YOU. :) wanna judge? Look at yourself? Are you that perfect to comment about my flaws? :) 

DON'T FOOL ME, I KNOW NO ONE LIKES BEING AROUND ME, I AIN'T THOSE FUN PEOPLE TO BE WITH. I TEND TO BUILD WARS SO YOU CAN'T COME NEAR ME, I ONLY REMOVE THE WALLS WHEN WE ARE CLOSE. SO SICK TO BE ME.
THOSE PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT SAID THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE ME, ALL LEFT. WELL, NOT ALL, BUT SOON TO BE ALL? SOCIETY IS WAY TOO FUCKED UP. OR AM I THE ONE? HAHAHA. IF YOU ALL WANT TO LEAVE, LEAVE ALL AT ONCE AND MAKE SURE YOU DON'T RETURN THANKS. I SHOULD NOT HAVE COME TO THIS SCHOOL. 

IS IT ME ? OR ? WHY DO I FEEL SO NUMB AND NO DIRECTION. WHAT DO I REALLY WANT IN LIFE? I kept asking myself that question. But seems that I've no answer. OH YA. WHO AM I TO FEEL THIS WAY? I'M JUST A NOBODY. :) 

HOPEFULLY I WOULD HAVE MORE FRIENDS NEXT YEAR. :) 

好寂寞，但我什么也不能做。 
到了最后，我什么也不是。
对不起，让家人伤心失望了。
我根本不属于这个家，不值得你们为我的付出。
对不起，我没用。

爸爸妈妈，我很对不起你们。
你们为我付出了呢么多，我却让你们失望了。
我真没用，什么事也做不好。
不能和其他人比，我什么也做不好。

我累了。厌倦了这样的生活。
好累好累了。不要再逼我好吗？